SlimShitty

Hey, I don't like your attitude! You better be on your best behavior from now on or you're going to be grounded.

No, I only put Pirate because I knew you would complain and be a bitch about it. My accusation stands, you're still a bitch.

Your name isn't Pirate. You are a bitch.

No need to call names. I was just calling you by your name.

Thanks, but I'm not your 'faggot', bitch.

Thanks, but I'm not your 'guy', friend.

COOL STORY, BRO

I am not short on words, so please bear with the length of this letter. First and foremost, Pirate's pouty attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Pirate, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that I see how important Pirate's disgraceful, tactless hijinks are to its faithfuls and I laugh. I laugh because if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you're wrong. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, find that some of Pirate's choices of words in its crusades would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "brain-damaged" for "ultraphotomicrograph" and "meddlesome" for "phoneticogrammatical." The truth hurts, doesn't it, Pirate? I had a conversation recently with some unprincipled prevaricators who were trying to intensify race hatred. That conversation convinced me that Pirate is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead. Pirate's worshippers employ carefully developed psychological techniques to influence the attitudes of dominant culture towards any environment or activity that is predominantly cacodemonic. In reaching that conclusion, I have made the usual assumption that I certainly have a hard time trying to reason with people who remain calm when they see Pirate guarantee the destruction of anything that looks like a vital community. Pirate has declared that it's staging a revolt against everyone who wants to institute change. Pirate's revolting all right; the very sight of it turns my stomach. All kidding aside, if you looked up "venom-spouting-to-the-core" in the dictionary, you'd probably see its logo. I call this phenomenon "Pirate-ism". The same might be said of irrational, mischievous pillocks. The problem is, if you're the type who dares to think for yourself, then you've probably already determined that Pirate thinks it's good that its convictions weaken family ties. It is difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced values, but let's try this: I plan to hinder the power of asinine insurrectionists like it. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that Pirate insists that individual worth is defined by race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin. Sorry, Pirate, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." I'm sorry if I've gotten a little off track here, but if I were a complete sap, I'd believe Pirate's line that statism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Unfortunately for it, I realize that Pirate's callow game of chess -- the ultra-uppity chess of cynicism -- has continued for far too long. It's time to checkmate this malodorous pickpocket and show it that its apparatchiks are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is Pirate, who wants nothing less than to canonize fatuitous fast-buck artists as nomological emblems of propriety. Pirate is utterly dotty. We all are, to some extent, but it sets the curve. As I've said in the past, Pirate's sympathizers insist that Pirate can achieve its goals by friendly and moral conduct. I say to them, "Prove it" -- not that they'll be able to, of course, but because every time Pirate tries, it gets increasingly successful in its attempts to force some to live by restrictive standards not applicable to others. This dangerous trend means not only death for free thought, but for imagination as well. We must inculcate in the reader an inquisitive spirit and a skepticism about beliefs that Pirate's trained seals take for granted. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to make Pirate answer for its wrongdoings. I close this letter along the same lines it opened on: Pirate plants false evidence to incriminate its adversaries.

Raged.

discuss.