Posted August 24, 200618 yr I GOT A JOKE!!!! A young kid is sitting on the side walk,he has his hair in giant spikes. One spike is blue One spike is red One spike is purple A old man starts to walk bye and notices the kid and stops and starts staring at the kid. the kid looks up and says "what are you looking at old man? you ever take a walk on the wild side" The old man replys "Ya I have walked on the wild side ,once and got super drunk and had sex with a peekok and I was just wondering if you where my kid"
August 24, 200618 yr How do you make a 10 yr. old cry twice? Rub your bloody cock on her favorite doll. What's the worst thing about having sex with a 3 yr. old? peeling off the diaper.
August 24, 200618 yr Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it. During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job. Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job. The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing.
August 24, 200618 yr I removed all the non-joke posts. Now here is my joke stolen from entensity: At recess, three second graders meet by the slide. One is Korean, one is white, and one is black. They decide to compare the size of their urinary equipment. The Korean shows off his first. Then the white guy pulls out his, and the Korean is shamed, but not by much. Then the black unzips his pants and the Korean and white stare in shock at the size... Later that evening, the black is at home and his mother asks him if he learned anything at school that day. He says "well, I learned that I have a bigger dick than white and Korean boys. Is that because I'm black, Mom?" His mother replies, "No, Son, it's because you are 17."
August 24, 200618 yr What's the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds? There are twenty of them. Why couldn't Jesus eat M&Ms? Because they kept falling through the holes in his hands.
August 25, 200618 yr WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE LOOLOLLOLOOLOL THAT WASNT FUNNY MY DAD DIED TRYING TO CRSS THE ROAD
August 25, 200618 yr What's the difference between dog shit and ******s? When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking. http://www.tightrope.cc/imagefiles/joke1b.jpg What's the difference between a ****** and a snow tire? A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it. What would you call the Flintstones if they were black? ******s. Why don't sharks eat ******s? They think it's whale shit. :lmfao:
August 25, 200618 yr What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
August 26, 200618 yr Overkill, but these are the ones I saved from my favourite website, orsm.net Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here." A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St. Peter. "Anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now fuck off". A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" The little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden!" she said. A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop." "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development” says the teacher. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes. Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agrees to this plan. The next day in class the teacher begins: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." "Near my home a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Suzie – you’re next" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey relax sluts, it hasn't opened yet!" A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party??? The one with all the clit piercings??" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No... I'm your son's math teacher."
August 26, 200618 yr Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor. Now what do I do? This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later. First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the fuck was in that?" She whispers in his ear... "It's called Blowjob revenge A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. "In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime Minister, John Howard, ardent royalist and general ass kisser, turned to the Queen and said, "As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince--and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard." Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor." Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country." One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family, too." They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" . Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "... and that, Your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room!" A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed an attractive woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airways slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned to him and said, "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Air New Zealand!" Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "But it did happen to me sister."
August 26, 200618 yr A rich man living in Washington decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only afro-american in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a walmart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "Nah bro. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the fucking pool." You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round! I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink...?" I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions..." LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt, Cambridge The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel, Slough I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J., London Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London Supermarkets... Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through. Serena Keough How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary, e-mail Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Belfast
August 26, 200618 yr why do ******s like basket ball?!? beacuse their is shooting running and stealing
August 26, 200618 yr Haven't been here in a while! Anyways, here is my joke: So these two peanuts walk into a bar... One was a salted.
