This breakup letter should come as no surprise nor cause any heartache to someone as cold hearted as you. Time and again I've tried to get you to show me how much you care. Time and again I've been rudefully rebuffed.

 

I have emotions. I have needs. I have love to express. But you, Ms. Selfish, just don't care that you make me feel like my needs, emotions and loving intentions are shamefully wrong. Well news flash, Sp0rky, they aren't. So, after 3 years I'm ending this charade of a relationship in hopes of finding someone who is emotionally mature enough to love me like I need to be; anally.

 

Don't come crawling back on your hands and knees asking me to get lubed up and on mine. because behind us are your chances of loving my behind.

 

You see, to me and people who aren't emotionally dead inside like you, cornholing is a beautiful way of making love. It lets the cornholee (me) know that they are special and very important to the cornholer (you). The ironic thing is that you always talked about taking our relationship to the 'next level', but you're just a woman of words, not actions. You gave me lip service when I needed my ass serviced.

 

I mean, what's more intimate and meaningful than making sweet beautiful anal love? Butt nooky isn't something you dive head first in with just anyone. No, the person whose tootsie roll hole you hammer is someone extra special. You can keep your vows and veils and rings and ceremonies. I want something that actually means something. A trip down Hershey Highway is infinitely more meaningful than one down the aisle. It says that what we have is something special, something beautiful, something so important to both of us that it can only be expressed by youlovingly plugging mypooper.

 

But no, you say its dirty. It's wrong. It goes against god. Well boo-fucking-hoo. To us in the real world with hearts that function, that's called love. You don't have to sugar coat it, I know how you really feel about me. Its obvious that your just hiding behind those absurd reasons because I am not the one for you. I truly hope you find the guy that you can bend over, jelly up, and unconditionally love. For me, that person was you. Sadly, my love, feelings and yearnings to be pokedin the brown eye go unrequited.

 

Love,

 

Myriad

 

P.S. Give my regards to the next man you decide to suck the life out of.

First!

I'd google if I wasn't so lazy.

Dear Myriad,

 

I'm terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this didn't need to be done, but I wanted to.. This note will be the last memory you'll ever have of me, our relationship just isnt working out for me.. Don't let it get you all upset inside, It was completely your fault, no doubt about it. It is because of your inability to quit picking your nose problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.

 

You'd be much better off finding a person that can deal with sweet way you stuff your face all day long while watching t.v. on the bed. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you

 

I'm glad this is done and we're going separate directions for good. I think you'll find someone to love again. And hopefully we will be incredibly far away.

 

Peace,hhslf